Heading For Highbury?


As a bald Arsenal supporter I am faced  with a huge dilemma. Wayne Rooney may be joining the  club. Now not only has Wayne ,that crown prince of chavs ,already played his best football and will therefore be a disastrous buy, but he is about to have another hair transplant.

It seems like Samson before him he only plays well with a full  head of  hair. Transplanted or no. As he  said in that Book of Kells,his autobiography “Bloody hell, you are going bald and you are a young lad” Apparently its not only “stressful but not much fun” going bald at 25.  The book will soon be translated into English.

Going bald and being teased by your team mates are traumas which even  regular trips to up market brothels or £5m a year  cannot really alleviate. When he had the first transplant done ,the blessed Coleen the crown princess of chav,and the mother of his blissfully named kiddies(Kai and Klay   ) tweeted( so much onomatopoeia in that word) “Pleased for him and it will look great”. I think she spoke for many when she  fingered out those words. We cant wait for the Rooneys answer Pippa’s book on party etiquette.

The problem is that his first  transplant is beginning to show wear and tear, gaps are appearing. It seems  a transplanted head of hair is like the perfect lawn. Something one can aspire to ,work hard at, spend a life time  working on, but its almost impossible to achieve. But as with the lawn, good luck to those who try. Maybe Wayne should  start talking to his new follicles.

I hope history will be kinder to Wayne and  his head of hair than it was to that other great icon of English football,Bobby Charlton. That was a great goal! Bobby, that do you think? That was a great goal. Thank you Bobby, that was Sir Bobby Charlton. In between winning  the World Cup and boring for the EU,  Sir Bobby has been famous for his  struggle to make one strand of hair cover his whole scalp.

It is a shame  this was before the Muslim invasion because Sir Bobby could have  worn a burhka, a yashmak, a Sikh turban, maybe  an Arab spring time scarf, or just simple Muslim or Jewish head pieces and  just mumbled away  about cultural diversity, inclusiveness and  how the beautiful game is  the  best hope for world peace and social harmony. Its not too late, Cameron should get Sir Bobby in, dress him up  with culturally appropriate head gear, so that strand is no longer visible and call him Sport in the Community Czar.

Back to Wayne. Some the comments on the web sites seem to  suggest that if Rooney can have hair transplants done so should Prince William, another, I felt a little cruelly, suggested that Rooney’s problem was not his hair but his face. Maybe that’s  where the beard comes in, like the Big O he could always play in shades.And then there is the problem of heading the ball- 99 per cent of hair surgeons do not recommend heading a football after transplants. For “Miracle Head” this could be a problem.

If Wenger finally shows his age and buys the “lad” ,  all this will  be something  we Gooner fans will have to worry about. Life is too short.

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