Terms of Engagement

Lesbians are unhappy. Ok they can have babies without going near a big bamboo. They can get married. They can have crew cuts. Play rugby and hold hands in public. Can even play tennis and run the BBC. But still sadness stalks the isle of Sappho.

Jane Czyzslska(pronounced lesbo) editor of Diva complains that when she and her girlfriend travel on the tube they are victims of constant harassment. “Men sit opposite with their legs apart, rubbing their genitals or just giving them the evil eye”.

Fot Gods sake lads. This is the 21st century not some Muslim country locked in prehistory. Sitting with your legs apart. Its so obviously a way of making the Johnston pop up and smile and thereby give offense to our munching sisters. The solution as all  well brought up girls have known for years is to keep the knees and ankles together and gently slope them in a forty five degree position. This  not only tucks the  dreaded member   neatly away between the legs but a respectful modesty is assumed.

Now I can see some of you deceitful misogynists are  going to say but my hands were just in my lap what offense could that cause. Your lap?, come on brother. You may not have been simulating the  nobility of J Arthur but you were so close that there could be no other interpretation.

But if you don’t have your hands in your lap/crotch, where can you put  them? Fold them across your chest. No way Hose. That’s so obviously an attack on women’s nipples, pierced or otherwise, that I am surprised its allowed in public places. No in order to keep some kind of decency on the tube men should sit with their hands on their heads. How would you like it if a woman opposite started rubbing herself, crossing her legs, licking  lips and  looking at you…down boy.

And as for the evil eye ,that really has to go. Either sit with your eyes closed and occasionally ask a sister what station you are at or sit  with a blind fold. Dark glasses  only serve to disguise evil and dirty thought eyes.

What is happening on the tube Diva Jane  declares “affects lesbian well being,self esteem and is a threat to safety. Lesbophobia is like homophobia but with a side order of sexism”.

So lads, knees  together, hands on head and eyes closed. No peeping to see if those little darlings start French kissing. But, Dontcha  love it when they do.

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