Three Cheers for Charlie

Charles Saatchi when he dominated the advertising world was once interviewed by Hugh Thompson. Neither remembers  much,  if anything about the experience.  We both collect modern art. We have  both written advertising copy. We both have Jewish blood. We have both lusted after Nigella Lawson . We both live in London houses worth more than £1m. How close does that make us? Not very.

However we do have another connection. He claimed that in the fateful incident in the restaurant where he was photographed handling Nigella’s neck this was something both he and Nigella often did. And that the flick across the face was his attempt to remove a bogey from his (then) wife’s nose.

Many laughed at this excuse. But not I  and the lady with whom I walk down life’s dusty highway. We often place our hands on each other’s necks. In fact we are sometimes seen walking down the road not arm in arm,  or in some kind of embrace  but in   a mutual post modern hands on neck. Over the years we have found that this kind of endearment is more hygienic, less sexually demanding and altogether more in tune  with these LGBT  sensitive days.

Sometimes ,as we walk  in this way like two soldiers pacing off, kind folk and community support officers come up to us and ask, Is everything alright?. We smile the grin of the wise when confronted by fools and chortle “We’re fine ,you should try it.”

Of course there is a problem when the arms get tired which even in the most passionate,  and loving of days, they will. Here  the lacrosse player who has stolen my heart and I, never losing contact  bank like  boys playing planes in the playground. This elaborate dance ends with us on the other side of each other. This way  different hands can be used to clasp the  desired neck.

And as for scraping and eating your lover’s bogeys? Well, this is of course, an acquired taste. We know the Saatchis  originally came from Iraq ,where  the Jewish community was cut of from the outside world  for many millennia. This meant no tissues or handkerchiefs. Hence the custom of bogey picking as a gesture of endearment.

Unfortunately Charles Saatchi has been misunderstood but not at number 54. As I tenderly touched  my lady’s swan like and she struggled to  find my steroid inflamed , I said, I think we should write to Charles. For some reason she broke into tears. She usually only cries at funerals and weddings.

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