Charles Saatchi when he dominated the advertising world was once interviewed by Hugh Thompson. Neither remembers much, if anything about the experience. We both collect modern art. We have both written advertising copy. We both have Jewish blood. We have both lusted after Nigella Lawson . We both live in London houses worth more than £1m. How close does that make us? Not very.
However we do have another connection. He claimed that in the fateful incident in the restaurant where he was photographed handling Nigella’s neck this was something both he and Nigella often did. And that the flick across the face was his attempt to remove a bogey from his (then) wife’s nose.
Many laughed at this excuse. But not I and the lady with whom I walk down life’s dusty highway. We often place our hands on each other’s necks. In fact we are sometimes seen walking down the road not arm in arm, or in some kind of embrace but in a mutual post modern hands on neck. Over the years we have found that this kind of endearment is more hygienic, less sexually demanding and altogether more in tune with these LGBT sensitive days.
Sometimes ,as we walk in this way like two soldiers pacing off, kind folk and community support officers come up to us and ask, Is everything alright?. We smile the grin of the wise when confronted by fools and chortle “We’re fine ,you should try it.”
Of course there is a problem when the arms get tired which even in the most passionate, and loving of days, they will. Here the lacrosse player who has stolen my heart and I, never losing contact bank like boys playing planes in the playground. This elaborate dance ends with us on the other side of each other. This way different hands can be used to clasp the desired neck.
And as for scraping and eating your lover’s bogeys? Well, this is of course, an acquired taste. We know the Saatchis originally came from Iraq ,where the Jewish community was cut of from the outside world for many millennia. This meant no tissues or handkerchiefs. Hence the custom of bogey picking as a gesture of endearment.
Unfortunately Charles Saatchi has been misunderstood but not at number 54. As I tenderly touched my lady’s swan like and she struggled to find my steroid inflamed , I said, I think we should write to Charles. For some reason she broke into tears. She usually only cries at funerals and weddings.