My lady wife and I have come to the conclusion that the honeymoon period of our marriage is over. As we lay in our sleeping bags the other morning this sad and unromantic fact became only too apparent. But the darkest hour is just before dawn. The New York mayor election has thrown up the man of the moment , Anthony Weiner. Handsome, Jewish, well dressed,debonair, good on camera, quick on his feet with an attractive supportive wife. Related to the all conquering Clintons. He is a poster boy for modern politics. As he says “This is about helping New Yorkers”
He is also into serious sexting. This involves taking pictures of his Johnston and under an alias sending it to various women. Who no doubt reply in kind. No dirty sheets, no taxi rides, no fake orgasms, no lies to partners about where you are, no expensive dinner dates, if only I’d known, this is the way to go.
So over a cup of Bournevita-the night food for the over fifties-I said (shyly) to my child bride ,perhaps sexting is something we should try. It could bring back a little sparkle. A little of the old soft shoe shuffle, a little of the je ne sais quoi. She threw back her mane of golden curls and laughed ,the laugh that launched a thousand ships. I took that as a yes.
First there were the names. I became Captain Midnight and she ,the little minx, took on the nom de passion of Tigerbelle. I felt that I, as neighbourhood watch coordinator and she, as a member of the AOR Council, couldn’t go full commando on this, we should show some decorum So the rule was no gonads or body hair. This was going to be hot. I changed into my shorts.
Captain Midnight sends Tigerbelle a picture of his knee, with the caption, Are you lonesome tonight. She replies with a picture of her elbow with the caption, Looking for Hound Dog.
For pity’s sake this is going no where. I never liked Elvis and we had a Spaniel. Elbows,knees are they in the Kama Sutra?
A confused Capt Midnight writes “Big Boy seeks a dance tonight”. The reply comes back”Have you bought the holiday insurance”
What. Time to get real. “Capt requires all hands on his deck”. Reply comes back “That’s so pathetic, did you really get a degree?”
One more try.”OK slutbitch, now you have to dig camel turd and eat frog slime for Big Daddy”. “oohh,I love it when you talk dirty.”
This digital experience is of course taking place in our bed room, the blinds are drawn and the rule is we have to remain in our sleeping bags. After the last round I lean over. “ Lets get real.”” In the morning, I’m tired”. Anthony Weiner,thank you.