Milliband and I


(with apologies to Withnail and I)

Owing to his demise the part of Richard Griffiths is played by the Rev Paul Flowers.


Monty: Do you like vegetables? I’ve always been fond of root crops but I only started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. Do you grow? 

Milliband: The red rose of  new Labour. 
Monty: Oh, you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the rose. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you’ll agree, a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ oh so very special about a firm, young carrot. But then again prostitutes have their place.
Milliband: Monty used to be a banker. 
Monty: Well, I’d hardly say that. It’s true, I did my turn at the tills my youth. But I never really had it in my blood, and that’s what’s so essential, isn’t it, banking zeal in the veins. Alas I have little more than vintage wine and memories. It is the most shattering experience of a young man’s life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself “I will never be chairman of the Coop bank.” When that moment comes, one’s ambition ceases. Don’t you agree? 

Milliband: I think we might have something for you, Uncle 
Monty: Are you sure. “It’s gone. We do it wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence…” But if you insist I will give it a try,boys,boys you know I am game for anything
[as Monty continues to recite the line from the Labour Party Manifesto, Balls gets up and whispers in Millibandl’s ear]: Please, let’s go. He’s a madman.I think he’s on drugs Any minute now he’s going to rush out and try and takeover Lloyds”

Monty :How about £30m loan to the party and £50K for personal expenses. 

Milliband and Balls are lying in bed together, listening to a man coming inside the cottage. Milliband is cowering under the covers

Milliband[whispering] He’s going into your room. It’s you he wants. Offer him yourself. 
[the bedroom door slowly opens and the intruder enters with a torch]

Milliband[screwing his eyes shut in terror, moaning] We mean no harm! 
Uncle Monty: Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me.

Balls: [relieved] Monty! Monty, Monty! 
Uncle Monty: Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed.


Uncle Monty: The older order changeth, yielding place to new. God fulfills himself in many ways. And soon, I suppose, I shall be swept away by some vulgar little press story. Oh, my boys, my boys, we’re at the end of an age. We live in a land of weather forecasts and know all parliamentary committees. Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by the Lib Dems. And here we are, we three, perhaps the last island of beauty in the world. 

Balls: Where is he? 

Milliband: Sulking up the hill. He says he won’t come in for lunch without an apology. 

Milliband: Suits me, he can eat his fucking radish. 
Uncle Monty: [suddenly appearing at Milliband’s shoulder] It’s all your fault. You lead him astray. 

Balls: I beg your pardon, Monty? 
Uncle Monty: Oh, don’t tell me you’re not aware of it, I know what you’re up to and so do you. Your marriages don’t fool me,I know  how you feel
Millibandl: [offering him a glass] Sherry? 
Uncle Monty: Sherry? Oh dear, no, no, no, I’d be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on guard. He’s so mauve, we don’t know what he’s planning. 

Uncle Monty: I’m preparing myself to forgive you. 

Uncle Monty: Laisse-moi, respirer, longtemps, longtemps, l’odeur de tes cheveux. Oh, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of my early days in the church,oh the choir boys, the innocence… 

Balls[voiceover] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a pew with a chap called Niel who had red hair and a book of psalms stained with the butter drips from crumpets. 

Uncle Monty: You shouldn’t treat each other so badly. This boy’s been out there frozen to the marrow and you just sit in here drinking. Now, come along, he’s going to revitalise himself and you’re going to finish the vegetables. 
Millibandl: I don’t know how to do them. 
Uncle Monty: Well, of course you don’t, you are incapable of indulging in anything but politics, am I not right? You don’t deserve such loyalty. Now, come along, I’m going to teach you how to  do your expenses. 

Uncle Monty: I had to come. I tried not to. Oh, how I tried not to. 
Balls Listen Monty, there’s something I have to explain to you. 
Uncle Monty: You needn’t explain, he’s told me everything. He told me that first day you came to the Bank.

Balls: What’s he told you? 
Uncle Monty: He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road. He told me about your problems. How you feel. Your desires. How you need the money.

Balls: Problems, what problems? 
Uncle Monty: You are a toilet trader But so am I.. 

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