Its obvious that the solution to the growing tide of Islamaphobia is that we treat everyone as equals. So the other day I decided to treat everyone I saw dressed as a nun like a sacred daughter of Christ. As it happens I was mooching around Edgware Road enjoying some sweet meats, a hookah pipe and the sight of some extremely big girls.
Suddenly next to me was a sack wearing the full burka. Sister of Mercy, I cried I have sinned. She looked away. No please sister , do not ignore me, I live in peril of damnation. Maybe she was one of those nuns who had sworn to a life of silence. I persevered, I have never been to Confession and I want to know how to get into a state of grace. She looked at me and said, Saudi,shopping. Saudi shopping was that some Latin code from the old times. While I was wondering a large window tinted 4×4 drew up and she jumped in. This was not going well.
Next up Knightbridge. On the tube I sat next to one not wearing the mask but the full Sister of the Sacred Heart cloak and for all I know dagger. Sister of Christ I have sinned. I said getting straight to the point. What, do you know who you are talking to. A Sister of Christ who has got closer to the Almighty and his Blessed Mother through prayer and meditation.
No,no ,no, You have got the wrong idea, I am a Somali housewife. Please don’t ignore me I implored I cannot sleep, I have nightmares about damnation. Show me the way back to the path of righteous. She got up, was she going to give me a sign? I am sorry I cannot help , I get off at this stop. This has gone from bad to worse.
I am back I Putney. As I walk across the Bridge thinking maybe I should jump and end it all when I spy someone who must be in one of the modern orders. Her hair is obviously well formed but covered as befits the modesty of one who has dedicated their life to Jesus. She is wearing a split and embroidered full length robe.
Sister have you a moment. You what. I have sinned I want to know how many Hail Marys I need to get back on the great highway to heaven. Are you outa yur mind.Are you care in the community,is this some kind of joke,innit.
I was desperate. I collapsed onto my knees and cried Bless me for I have sinned. F*** Off you’re barmy said the girl as she scampered towards the tube. I have learnt the hard way that not all nuns are the same. But my moral hazard remains.