A Winter’s Tale
The power and hope of spring,the passion of summer, the beauty of autumn,then it’s the cold of winter.
The other day I was in the shower. Whistling the opening overture to Madame Butterfly, thinking of Arsenal’s latest defeat and a forthcoming trip to Trieste. My eye naturally lowered to the source of so much of my pleasure. But shock,shock ,shock.
No, it was still in its grand shape , a fine battle cruiser, a Polaris of love . I noticed that the bush which so well crowns this majesty was turning grey. Why had I not been told? What were my hand maidens doing, why had they not reported this sad fact back to their lord.
What to do? Stay quiet, stum, hope this dull stain will go away and turn back to its black and sleek condition through some reverse ageing? No that would be so pre modern, so in denial. No ,matters had to be deal with.
Maybe I should go the metrosex route. And shave off all body hair. A Brazilian-no too girly, an Argentinian-all black hairs are removed-that would miss the point, a Mohican-oh for pete’s sake.
One of the reasons that my child bride and I have cohabited so successfully for so long, is that we rarely talk. Email, voice mail,notes left on the garden bench certainly, but conversation we feel will soon become exhausting and repetitive. So I emailed the fragrant one that there was a matter of some urgency which needed discussing.
She replied that she would be free in three days and we could talk. Those three days at the Lido were spent changing in cubicles. She was to the point. Either accept this sign of ageing or go for it. Rainbow colours,if women can have green hair there is no reason why I shouldn’t have pubes of eight colours.
Luckily we had recently had some painting done and I consulted my Dulux colour codes. I chose my favourite eight. So I went down to my favourite Cypriot barber. ABC, est 1997,pensioners £5 on Thursdays and asked if he could either do the deed or could recommend an expert hair camouflagist. Certainly Thai Toenails in the Fulham Road. Madame U Ding My Dong asked me to come back after closing. This I did. She took me into her back room and said,you have been a naughty boy, and you deserve a good spanking and maybe a happy ending.
I wailed, I have come about my grey pubes. That’s what they all say snarled the sultry beast from Bangkok. And I bent over meekly. Winter never felt colder.