Health Warning

Health Warning

The other evening, a moment of bliss. My child bride and I,both children of the 60s were listening to Mozart’s piano concerto 21, Elvira Madigan. Its romantic pathos  crying out for an erotic conclusion. It has only one effect. Two hearts beat as one, two bodies cry out for satisfaction. I dimmed the lights, looked  as sincere as I could, and mumbled Darling,is it time for bed…

Her lips parted, her eyes  glistened ,the earth began to move, a bead of sweat travelled from her brow and she panted, Thompson we must talk.

Oh God ,Thompson we must talk, is always the introduction to an end of term speech. Had I put soft plastic in the recycling bag? Had she found the whiskey bottle in my study? Had she broken into my hard drive and found my allegiance to certain porn channels?

No. She said, I think we must  stop having sex for a while. Why? The World Health Organisation has said that the Zika virus can be sexually transmitted. No sex for a while, Vivien is of course not noted for her sense of irony.

But I squealed, We have been no where near the infected areas of South America. She rejoined what about the  two months we spent in South America in  2008? Eight years ago? Yes but these mossies may be hibernating and just waiting their chance. We  cannot be too careful.

But I cried we have only just stopped obeying the WHO on ebola. For the last two years Vivien and I have not only been sleeping in different isolated rooms but taken to wearing bee keepers kit while watching TV. We have learnt to eat while wearing  mouth and nose masks. Luckily we had a good friend whose bees died so he had a spare suit.

Yes she replied and  that was highly successful, neither of us contracted ebola. Then  I remembered how we avoided catching  HIV. For many years I slept with a condom on. I know this was not accordance with strict Roman  Catholic practice but I felt even if Johnston was idle it was best to make sure no HIV creepies found a way.

So Vivien and I are going  down to B&Q to buy some of those insecticide spray   guns which seem all the rage in Buenos Aires. Others may mock as we wander around in bee keepers uniforms squirting the bike  and garden sheds but we know when it comes to 54  Festing Road, here no Zika will ever fly. What is a sex life  compared to stopping an epidemic and saving the world?

Next week-We solve the immigrant crisis.


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5 Responses to Health Warning

  1. David of Bedchester says:

    Does the bride read this drivel?

  2. Stu says:

    I hope your offspring don’t read this guff – talk about embarrassing them… you embarrassed me!!!
    Off on my zimmer to the bar, for a strong one, what…

  3. itwonthurt says:

    Its got to be a first,embarrassing Stu Henly.

  4. charlotte good says:

    Absolutely howling, Hugh. Made my afternoon. I did actually LOL. Kiss the Child Bride – all sorted with Insure & Go and I did not stint, she will be happy to know.

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