The other evening, a moment of bliss. My child bride and I,both children of the 60s were listening to Mozart’s piano concerto 21, Elvira Madigan. Its romantic pathos crying out for an erotic conclusion. It has only one effect. Two hearts beat as one, two bodies cry out for satisfaction. I dimmed the lights, looked as sincere as I could, and mumbled Darling,is it time for bed…
Her lips parted, her eyes glistened ,the earth began to move, a bead of sweat travelled from her brow and she panted, Thompson we must talk.
Oh God ,Thompson we must talk, is always the introduction to an end of term speech. Had I put soft plastic in the recycling bag? Had she found the whiskey bottle in my study? Had she broken into my hard drive and found my allegiance to certain porn channels?
No. She said, I think we must stop having sex for a while. Why? The World Health Organisation has said that the Zika virus can be sexually transmitted. No sex for a while, Vivien is of course not noted for her sense of irony.
But I squealed, We have been no where near the infected areas of South America. She rejoined what about the two months we spent in South America in 2008? Eight years ago? Yes but these mossies may be hibernating and just waiting their chance. We cannot be too careful.
But I cried we have only just stopped obeying the WHO on ebola. For the last two years Vivien and I have not only been sleeping in different isolated rooms but taken to wearing bee keepers kit while watching TV. We have learnt to eat while wearing mouth and nose masks. Luckily we had a good friend whose bees died so he had a spare suit.
Yes she replied and that was highly successful, neither of us contracted ebola. Then I remembered how we avoided catching HIV. For many years I slept with a condom on. I know this was not accordance with strict Roman Catholic practice but I felt even if Johnston was idle it was best to make sure no HIV creepies found a way.
So Vivien and I are going down to B&Q to buy some of those insecticide spray guns which seem all the rage in Buenos Aires. Others may mock as we wander around in bee keepers uniforms squirting the bike and garden sheds but we know when it comes to 54 Festing Road, here no Zika will ever fly. What is a sex life compared to stopping an epidemic and saving the world?
Next week-We solve the immigrant crisis.