For some time I have been trying to find ways of spending my children’s inheritance. I read the other day that the Holy Roman and most Catholic Church sells sainthoods for between £400-500K. This should do it and I will get a brass plate in my local church and no doubt my remains will be put in a pint mug and pilgrims from the Phillipines and Slovenia will crawl to touch them.
But its not just a question of paying the money. There has to be the miracles. Two events that cannot be explained by science. Now as we know some of these miracles are pretty flimsy- headches cured, flu arrested, twisted knee righted can qualify.
My first miracle is getting number one son Leo into university. He couldnt read until he was twenty so the fact that he got even poor A levels and went to onto a university of any calibre has to go down as something that cannot be explained by science. As Leo has explained “I get on with people” though how that translates on paper is obviously something of a miracle.
The other miracle is how for twenty years punk drunk I cycled back from international rugby matches at Twickneham without having one accident. Since I can remember nothing, it was dark and I had no lights,since the road was full of equally drunk drivers also returning from the game the only way I survived is because I was surrounded by guardian angels. In fact I do remember once a stranger sitting on my cross bar. Who are you, I belched. Gabriel the young man replied. Well FOff.
However although the process of becoming a saint is guaranteed if you pay your money-2500 have been created in recent times it does take as long as ten years. It maybe more efficient to give the money to the Tory Party and take my rightful place in the House of Lords. Services to Parenting would be the reason.