Tourism-Plan B

Tourism-Plan B

Now that the pound is at all time low and we are about to be declared outcasts by the rest of the world, foreign travel is really out of the question. Those that dare to cross Channel will find the English language banned, the pound scorned and will be treated like Millwall’s feared soccer fans,shunted by an armed escort from station to station.

94 year old George told me, “We didn’t travel abroad before the War and it didn’t do us any harm”. Others may not be so relaxed. But fear not,for the Londoner the delights of the rest of the world are near at hand.


Paris-the main point of going to Paris is the Jardin Rodin. In the sculpture hall of the V&A are a dozen Rodins and plenty of other sculptures Gill, Sargeant Jagger etc. So save your money, use you freedom pass and hop on a tube to South Kensington. And if you like French girls its only a short walk to the Lycee where a tribe of Francoise Hardys and Juliette Grecos appear at 3pm every weekday. Only drunken depressives like Hemingway drivel on about Paris being every one’s second home. As it happens he had several second homes which didn’t stop him popping himself.

Florence- Doctor Johnston said the only point of travelling was to go to the Med. He of course famously went to the Hebrides. But many cream for the renaissance delights of Florence. Also in the V&A the relatively new renaissance halls give you all you need and without the battalions of those awful German students and their unshaved armpits. The Tuscan experience can be further enhanced by a Four Seasons at the nearby Pizza Express.

Berlin- Many travel to Germany to catch of glimpse of how beastly the Germans were in the war. Berlin now has plaques on the houses that used to belong to the Jews. You need go no further than the permanent Holocaust show at the Imperial War Museum. The fact that every child in Britain has been must be one of the reasons for Brexit. The Kraut experience can be extended by buying an expensive lager and being excessively polite, bitter.

Hong Kong- Far more food choice in Gerrard Street, China Town. Here as in the Perfumed Harbour many Chinese eat but unlike in HK the presence of pushy Australians is not so pronounced .

India-Every London High Street has its Taj Mahal. And joy of joy no leg less beggars to put you off your food, no tuk tuk driver to haggle over 20p and no grovelling maître d at the hotel.

USA- Canary Wharf is similar to at least 30 US cities and just as unfriendly. Its impossible not to get lost, bewildered and thoroughly pissed off.. It is after all the main function of being a tourist, not having a clue and getting lost.

Australia- The main reason to go “down under” is to visit relatives, win rugby matches, have a swim and eat breakfast. Suggested alternative- Brockwell Park lido and cafe. Good breakfast,a good swim and far fewer tattoos. Rugby pitches are available.

Africa-If you like piles of rubbish by a big river and coloured chaps in uniforms, the recycling plant by Wandsworth Bridge may disappoint as the rubbish is cleared every day.

Argentina-Angus Steak Houses also serve rib eyes and gross T bones but do not give you any back chat about Malvinas.

The Mekong- many love the ride up the Mekong, the floating villages, the temples, the old men in their straw hats. There are six ferries a day from Putney to Blackfriars. On show-Hurlingham Club, Wandsworth Park, Blake’s Church, Tate Britain, Pugin’s Houses of Parliament, Albert and Westminster bridges and St Pauls. As Wordsworth said,”Earth has not anything to show more fair.”


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4 Responses to Tourism-Plan B

  1. Alas, it’s now a caravan in Swanage.

  2. Ros todal says:

    Very amusing start to the day! We actually went on Blackfriars to Putney boat yesterday – not quite the Mekong but a lovely way to travel home, and on a rather stylish new boat rather than the smelly tub we were on last time

  3. Nick Leslie says:


  4. J.elson says:

    Getting better all the time,but what is a freedom pass?

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