Chat Up Lines.
My child bride and I spend many happy hours like contented cats on the settee with the flickering TV in the corner. Recently we have been excited by Apple Tree Yard. (see link)This four part thriller revolves around an attractive professional fifty year lady old meeting and having sex in the open air with a highly attractive, totally mysterious middle aged man. A twenty word relationship blossoms when he says and they go” to the broom cupboard “. You cant beat a foot in the mop bucket, tights draped on the hoover etc. From there, knee tremblers in various alley ways are the only way. Its like being being eaten by a wolf ,she cries. Only after two hours as her marriage is collapsing,a rape has taken place,a child is going mad(this is post 9 pm BBC) do they graduate as most adulterous couples to a bed. Pheww!
But this had me realise that my chat up lines over recent years have been the problem. I some time ago realised that middle aged ladies facing menopause, a tired marriage and mid life crisis were my main chance. I would creep up on ladies at the bus stop and offer to carry their shopping bags, I would press my knee onto my lady neighbour’s while on the tube, I would stop someone in the street and ask where they got their boots, hair done or tan. In a pub I have offered ladies a share of a pint. I have stroked far too many dogs and lied about their beauty. These romantic overtures haven’t led to any amorous symphonies. Maybe its the way I tell them.
But now I realise that its the broom cupboard that is the route to a lady’s heart and all points south. So I tried it out. The 22 bus going towards Knightsbridge. A handsome lady in front of me. I lean forward. Would you like to see my broom cupboard? Que,much sorry I don’t spek Engleesh. Ok. The next day on the District Line heading towards Putney Bridge. A very interesting lady next to me with the most desirable boots. Would you like to see my broom cupboard? For fucks sake you creep, she screams as she gets up and moves away. I am losing heart. That night I ask my child bride if sex in the broom cupboard would act as a tonic to our love life. Its only a TV show she says as she turns off the light. I must stay strong.